Shiver
by Mina Carlisle
Summary: Completed Why did Severus Snape become a Deatheater than leave a become a spy? This is why, because all he can do is shiver. R&R!


Lady Meriadoc's Notes- I wanted to write a story about Snape. I don't know why, but don't you just wonder why he was a death eater and then became a spy? What provoked him to do this? So, this is my attempt at it, it's a one shot, so I won't be updating this. It's just a short story.  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own anything in this one. Okay, I own Mary, but that's it. Snape, the Death eaters, and Voldemort all belong to J.K. Rowling. Get it? Got it? Good.  
  
Shiver  
  
Winters always chilled my body deep as if the cold could reach past all the layers of warm clothes to pierce my very heart and soul. Winter was when it happened and my life fell apart.  
  
I had always been the child who had to be picked on. At school, I had no friends, well, I had one, but he was not a true friend. I could not tell him my deepest secrets and he would not sympathize with me when something bad happened as it did everyday. All he wanted to do was figure out plans to do people in and I did not want anything to do with these plots. I was interested in what he did, of course, but I was not going to be an accomplice, that was not my place. But, I suppose all of my flaws and hatred for certain people began with my father, or rather, my family.  
  
Father was never proud of my accomplishments in Potions. He called it a weakness that I was good at such a simple art. He compared it to the chemistry that muggle children took in their schools and he believed Potions were the closest to a muggle that wizards could get to. He said that the most important class to master was Defense Against the Dark Arts. So, just to please my hateful father, I poured my entire mind into Defense Against the Dark Arts, even though Potions came to me more easily than the more privileging class that Father approved of.  
  
It was Potter that always bested me in Defense Against the Dark Arts and he did not waste any time rubbing it in my face. 'Another two out of ten, Snivellus? It's a wonder you got that much with all the grease marks and smears on your paper, I'm surprised the Reynolds could actually read it.' He would say and his little gang would guffaw. Potter, Black, Lupin, Pettigrew who some how had won their favor, he was a weak piggy boy and it surprised me that he knew which end of the wand was which. Somehow, I had managed to earn their hatred; their cruel pranks would always be aimed at me. And the laughter, oh how they laughed at me. I was their entertainment...I felt tremendous pain everyday and I was paid in hurtful laughs.  
  
I suppose my ambition came from the harm they caused me. I wanted so much to be above them. I was better at Potions than Potter was, but according to Father that was not saying much. Potter would often parade about the school, being followed by Pettigrew, Lupin, and Black proclaiming the next big practical joke and I was the ever ready target. Even know, years later, I never knew why Potter chose me of all people to torment and I never got the apology I wanted. I even thought that maybe the pretty Lily Evan's would notice me. I got my hopes up to high. Though her kindness was well known, she would not even defend me. I know that, I was not the kindest person to her, after all, I did call her "Mudblood" on quite a few occasions, but I thought she would be the one person to not pay it any attention. After all, isn't sticks and stones a popular Muggle saying?  
  
But Lily did not like me either and sometimes I wonder that if her duty as a prefect and eventual Head girl was nonexistent if she would partake in the pranks pulled on me too? Perhaps she would have and maybe she wouldn't have. I'll never know the answer to that; she's been dead for so long it's hard to even remember what she looked like. Of course, Father was even more disappointed with me when we got my O.W.L.S., Potions was much higher than Defense was. He crumpled up my scores and tossed them into the fire and I watched them burn. I was glad that they kept those scores on file in the Headmaster's office. The burning really affected me, I did not know why, but it did and for a while I had completely abandoned Defense Against the Dark Arts altogether.  
  
During my fifth year after the Defense Against Dark Arts O.W.L., I had the worst day ever. I was only trying to study for the next exam, Transfiguration and I had sat a good ways off from Potter and his gang. All I had done was sit down underneath a tree to study; I had not done anything to instigate what was going to happen next. I soon found myself dangling upside down in the air, my robes flying over my head and I felt a healthy breeze around my thighs. Great, I thought as a deep red blush entered my face, everyone can see my underwear.  
  
'Who wants to see me take Snivelly's pants off?' It was Potter and Black and Lupin and Pettigrew, they were all there and so were all the other fifth year students.  
  
I heard loud cheers of approval and I squeezed my eyes shut. But he dropped me back to the ground and I fell hard on my back. I retrieved my wand from my pocket and pointed it at him. 'You've had it Potter!' I growled.  
  
'Expelliarmus!' Potter shouted and my wand flung away from me. I ran to retrieve it, but Potter once again had the upper hand. 'Impedimenta.' And I fell to the ground. I listened to them talk about me and my exam and I heard the people laugh. I let out a string of curses and Potter took notice, 'Wash your mouth out, Scourgify!' and I began to spit bubbles out of my mouth.  
  
'Leave him alone!' I saw the whirl of read hair. Evans, but why was she coming to rescue me. I did not need her help. I could fight my own battles. 'Leave him alone!' she shouted again at Potter.  
  
'I don't need your help, Mudblood.' I spat as I grabbed up my wand after Potter and Evan's conversation that concerned me very little.  
  
Evans gasped and Potter glared even more hatefully at me. 'Apologize, apologize to Evans.'  
  
Lily watched him and looked back and forth between the two of us. 'He isn't worth it. I don't want your apologies, Snivellus.' She said and walked off.  
  
Once again, I was upside down in the air with people laughing all around. 'Who wants to see me take off Snivellus's pants?' Potter said again and the cheers of approval echoed around me, so he did.  
  
Until that fateful day that Black mentioned to me the secret of the Whomping Willow. I don't know why I chose a full moon to prod the magical knot on the tree, perhaps it was because Black had told me that was when I should do it. I had no idea what I would find on the other end, but I could see Lupin's back retreating deeper into its depths. It felt stranger as I walked more into the tree and came into the Shrieking Shack, my wand out stretched. My face blanched and I found myself face to face with a full grown wolf that had once been a sixteen year old boy. I felt the hand grab my shoulder and the black dog bound forward to keep the wolf away from me. I did not know that it was Potter who had saved me from my grave. But outside the Whomping Willow I found the little hero gasping for breath and staring at me with those hazel eyes that made all the girls but Lily swoon. 'Great way to try and get yourself killed, Snape.' He spat and we watched Professor Dumbledore approach us.  
  
'Mr. Potter, Mr. Snape, if you would please, come with me, we have things to discuss about why the two of you are out of bed in the middle of the night, under a full moon no less.' His usual cheery eyes had lost their cheeriness as we walked behind him. I heard the dog pad out from the tree and slip silently into the darkness.  
  
Dumbledore's office had never been a place I had wanted to go, though I had been there so many times before. He put his fingers together and tapped the tips against the others in careful thought. 'Mr. Potter, I assume you already know about Mr. Lupin's condition, am I correct?'  
  
'Yes sir.' Potter said. It was the first time I had not heard any arrogance in his voice.  
  
'And Mr. Snape, can you tell me what you were doing down there?' Dumbledore asked.  
  
'Black told me that if I prodded a certain knot on the tree trunk that I could find out the secret of the Shrieking Shack, but it would only work on a full moon. So, I went because my curiosity go the best of me and I found myself staring at a wolf who used to be a boy, I saw Lupin's back as I went in.'  
  
Dumbledore nodded, 'that was very foolish on Mr. Black's part and yours as well. Black should not have told you that and I had expected that you, Mr. Snape, would be able to resist and now I have a situation on my hands, if Mr. Potter had not intercepted Mr. Black and found out what he had done, you could have been killed and Mr. Lupin would have been the one responsible for something he could not control. Now, I have to demand something of you, Mr. Snape. Promise me, that you will keep Remus Lupin's...disease, a secret. If you tell anyone, you will be expelled and I doubt your father would be very happy about that.'  
  
I nodded. 'I won't tell anyone.' I murmured and the angry lines in Dumbledore's face softened. 'I promise; his secret is safe with me.'  
  
'Good, you both are dismissed.' The headmaster said and walked back to his desk as Potter and I walked down the stairs to get back to the hall way.  
  
'Are you serious? Will you actually keep Remus's being a werewolf a secret?' Potter asked.  
  
I looked at him and nodded. 'I don't joke about things like that. I can't afford to be expelled, do you think my life at home is all candy and giggles? It's not, my father can't stand that my best subject is Potions, he calls me weak and stupid that I'm not even beating a Muggle Born at all my subjects. Do you know how embarrassing that is? To be bested by someone who did not even come from a wizarding family? And to try hard as you can and still fail? No, you have no idea what my life is like, Potter. You just swagger around the school, hexing anyone who gets in your way just because you can, because you like to show off. I'll keep Lupin's secret a secret, but only because I don't want to be expelled, not because I like him or you!'  
  
I turned on my heel and walked off toward the Slytherin common room and I tried to sleep, but I could not get there. Sleep was far off and I could just lie on my back and wonder, what it would be like to be popular and have that power. I wondered what it was like to be Potter or Black. I never wanted to be them, but just to have what they had, power, some sort of respect, friends. That was all I truly wanted, to be understood and have at least on true friend. But friendships were hard to form after five years of being publicly humiliated and having tricks pulled on you daily. No one wanted to be the unlucky Sundance to my hated Butch Cassidy.  
  
Seventh year was not as great as I had hoped it would be. Of course I hoped every year would be better than the last and they never were. I did, however, meet someone who took my breath away. Her name was Mary Everett and she was a Ravenclaw seventh year that I always remembered to be very awkward over the course of our school year. She was pretty, with chestnut brown hair and blue eyes and creamy skin. She was a beautiful girl and my heart fell for her as soon as I saw her. Mary's eyes rested on me and I turned to keep myself from staring and I went into my compartment. I shut the door, or at least, tried to, but Mary's hand caught it. 'Hello, I'm Mary.' She said with a smile. 'What's your name?'  
  
'Severus.' I said looking down at my scuffed shoes. 'It's an ugly name.' I sat down and she slid the door shut and sat down across from me. 'Mary is a pretty name.'  
  
'It's too common.' She said, 'I don't think Severus is an ugly name at all, it's unique and different. How many Severus's could there be?'  
  
I laughed, 'not many.'  
  
Mary smiled again and tucked her hair behind her ears. 'What house are you in Severus?'  
  
'Slytherin.' I said, 'you didn't call me Snape?'  
  
'I didn't know you liked to be called Snape, I'm sorry.' Mary said.  
  
'I don't like to be called Snape; you're the only person to actually call me by my real name.' I said, 'what house are you in?' I already knew the answer, but I was determined to keep the conversation between the two of us going on for as long as I could.  
  
'Ravenclaw.' She said. Mary placed and perfectly manicured finger to her lips and tapped it three times against them. 'Uh...where are you from?' she asked.  
  
'Westminster.' I said, 'you?'  
  
'Liverpool.' She replied.  
  
'That's a long way from the train station.' I said, 'I suppose you take the train from Liverpool to London?'  
  
Mary nodded. 'We stay at the Leaky Cauldron when we come down to get my Hogwarts supplies then drive to King's Cross.' She sat back and looked at me and smiled again. 'Why are you all by yourself, if I'm intruding on anything personal, don't answer, I don't like to be nosey.'  
  
I looked up and smiled. 'It's not intruding upon anything important. I'm alone, because I don't have any friends and I seem to come off as a very bitter, mean person to people who don't really know me. But what made you want to come talk to me? I was staring and it was rude, I thought you would have been offended.'  
  
'Not offended, I was curious. Everyone talks about you, at least, my friends do. They always say that you're alone and they really want to talk to you, but...' Mary paused and bit her lower lip.  
'But what?' I asked, 'what's wrong?'  
  
'We're all rather frightened of James Potter.' Mary said. 'None of us want to be the next victims of his pranks. I cannot stand Potter and Sirius Black; they just irk me to no end. I can't understand why they won't stop. I mean, he tries to win Lily over, but his ego won't let him actually get a decent girl friend. I hate him sometimes, because he is so annoying and how he hurts people.'  
  
I brushed my hair from my face and listened to her intently. 'You're the first girl that I have ever met that doesn't like Potter.' I said. I gave her a shy smile. 'I think I might like you...a lot.' I looked up at her and I saw that her face had gone expression less. 'Please, I'm sorry. I take that back.'  
  
Mary reached out across the compartment and took my face in her hands. 'You don't ever have to apologize to someone just because you said you liked them.' She gave me a light kiss on the lips and a smile graced her face. 'Especially if it's me.' She stood up and joined me on my side of the compartment. Her brown hair nestled on my shoulder where she rested her head. 'I don't think this is going to fast, do you?'  
  
'If you don't think it is.' I said, 'I don't reckon that it is.'  
  
'Good.' Mary said nuzzling deeper into my shoulder. 'Because I've never had a boyfriend before.'  
  
At Hogwarts I was so happy that I could not feel bad about all the pranks Potter would pull on me. I had a girlfriend, a real girlfriend and the funny thing was that I had a girlfriend six months before Potter did.  
  
At graduation, Mary and I were elated. We both made spectacular on our N.E.W.T.S., and I had finally got an apartment of my own. I loved her so much and I knew that she loved me too. We spent so many days together until her parents made her go on a vacation with them. I kissed her goodbye and Apparated back to my apartment. He was there and I let a low growl grow in my throat.  
  
'Do you want to feel appreciated, Severus?' he asked looking at a picture of Mary and me at graduation. 'Do you want to mean something?'  
  
I watched him place the picture down on my cheap wooden table. 'Yes, I would like that. I'm trying to get a good job in the Apothecary store in Diagon Alley. I'm waiting for my letter.'  
  
He nodded. 'How much do they pay, Severus?'  
  
'Six Galleons an hour; it's an eight hour job.' I said, 'I'd work everyday, except Sundays.'  
  
Once again he nodded. 'Why don't you join Lord Voldemort? It doesn't pay that much, but the recognition and fame will be priceless.' He said. 'We've got a meeting tonight; I thought you might like to come.'  
  
I shoved my hands in my pockets and glanced at the picture of Mary. She was smiling and waving at me and I could not help but grin. 'Alright, but just this once.' I said and he beamed. He handed me a piece of paper and I looked at it. It was an address to a home in Little Haggleton. He had already disappeared and I thought about the address and Apparated.  
  
I appeared in a room about the size of my apartment's bedroom. It was full of people wearing dark robes and some had masks on. I followed my companion to a high backed chair and I saw Voldemort. He was a strange looking man that resembled a snake ready to strike. His voice was hissing as she slurred the letter "s" in the words he said, much like a snake. 'Hyatt, what have we here?' he asked.  
  
Hyatt grabbed by arm and pushed up my right sleeve. 'Severus Snape, he wants to join you, my lord.'  
  
My eyes rolled in panic and I looked at Hyatt. I had not wanted to join; I did not know what he was thinking about. I just came to see what it was like, not to sell my soul to some devil. Voldemort's thin lips turned into a smile and he took out is wand. 'Morsmordre.' He said and I felt the hot burning of a thousand needles stabbing deep into my skin. I writhed in pain and when Hyatt and Voldemort released me, I collapsed and blacked out.  
  
I woke up in my apartment, my arm bandaged up and a sandwich was on my coffee table. I picked up the sandwich with my left arm and bit into it. As I chewed, I pulled the bandages off and saw the mark on my arm. A snake was wrapped around a human skull, it was the Dark Mark and I despised it. I finished my sandwich and I picked up the plate and put it in the sink, but the Mark burned and I dropped the plate. It shattered and I was pulled to the front lawn of some families home. Hyatt was there, along with a strange foreigner called Karkoff. 'We've got to kill these people. Lord Voldemort's orders.' Hyatt said.  
  
'Who are they?' I asked.  
  
'Members of the Order of the Phoenix. Prewetts the last name.' Hyatt said, 'we're just waiting for the other three.'  
  
Soon, both the Lestranges and Lucius Malfoy joined us and we made the silent trudge into the house. Fabian and Gideon Prewett were surprised when the six of us broke in and immediately fought back. I could not do it. I knew these two, they had never been friends of mine, but they were nice enough. I panicked and hid in a spare room, though I did shoot Hyatt in the back in the Impediment jinx and a curse or two before Apparating home, there was nothing I could do to save them.  
  
It was in the Daily Prophet the next day as I tried to prepare a meal for Mary. She was coming home from her family vacation to St. Lucia and I was going to propose to her that night. Gideon and Fabian Prewett, it said, murdered by five death eaters last night in their home. The two brothers fought like heroes, they will be missed. Five, it took five deatheaters to kill them. The paper did not know the names of the murderers, but I could name them all. Hyatt, Rodolphus Lestrange, his wife, Bellatrix, Lucius Malfoy, and Karkoff, and I was an accessory to their murderer. I stared at their faces once again; they had smiles plastered on their faces at their graduation a year ago.  
  
I pulled a piece of parchment out of a kitchen drawer and dipped my quill in ink. I scribbled out a letter to Dumbledore. I couldn't murder people in cold blood. I needed a reason to murder someone and just being in the Order of the Phoenix was not good enough. I offered him my services as I spy after confessing to what I had become. I signed it with a flourish and sent it to him with an owl. I received a reply from him an hour before Mary arrived. It welcomed my services greatly and I was secretly part of the Order, though Dumbledore was not going to tell anyone. But, he made one request that I found strange, "Listen for any information concerning Lily and James Potter and their six month old son Harry, I fear the worst for them and I don't know how long they will still be with us."  
  
As much as I hated Potter, I could not see him die. So, I tore off the bottom of the parchment and agreed. I would look out for the Potters and their son.  
  
Mary arrived promptly at six o'clock like I had asked and she had a smile on her face like she always had. Her creamy skin had a healthy tan and her hair fell in curls past her shoulders. She looked beautiful and I couldn't help but think about how lucky I was. 'Here, I brought you some salt water toffee.' She said. I took the box from her and gave her a kiss. 'It feels good to be back. Did you get the job you were after?' she asked pulling off her jacket and I helped her into her seat.  
  
'Yes, I did.' I said, 'I start next week.'  
  
She sat down at the small dining table I had borrowed from my neighbor and fixed her hair. I put my omelets on my best plates and balanced the wine glasses on the tray and carefully carried them out there. I put mine where I was going to sit and adjusted the wine glasses perfectly and handed her the plate I had meant to be hers. She adjusted her napkin in her lap as I fiddled with the ring box in my pocket and I watched as she read the message on her omelet. I had carefully magicked the green onion slices to spell out, "Will you marry me, Mary?" in the yellow. It was the best I could come up with; I have never been very creative.  
  
Mary looked up and I held the box open to her. 'I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be a knight for you, and I'll be yours my dear.' I said quietly, 'marry me?'  
  
I pulled the ring out of the box and slipped the ring on her finger as she nodded yes. 'I'll marry you, Severus.' She kissed me and I kissed her back and I wiped the tears off her cheeks. 'I'm so happy, I wasn't expecting this. I also, never thought I would be proposed to via an omelet.' She laughed and admired the diamond in the ring. 'I love it, and I'll be happy to be your wife.' She cut into her omelet and put a piece in her mouth. 'This is wonderful, and it's Christmas, too.'  
  
'Happy Christmas, Mary.' I said, 'I wish I could have gotten you something else for the holidays. I'm glad it was hot in St. Lucia, you look marvelous.'  
  
'Oh, you didn't have to get me anything other than your love.' Mary said, 'I wasn't expecting an engagement ring. I wish I had gotten you something more than toffee.'  
  
I laughed and ate my eggs. 'Toffee is wonderful.' I said, 'I wouldn't have wanted anything more than salt water toffee.'  
  
We finished our dinner and around ten o'clock we kissed goodbye, promising to see each other again tomorrow. I read a book and ignored the searing pain in my arm and I slipped off to bed around midnight.  
  
The light filtered into my eyes through the cracked blinds in my room, I sat up and wiped the sleep from my eyes and noticed the Daily Prophet lying on my bed. I only read the headlines and my heart fell. "Everett dead, ministry outraged." I immediately Apparated to Mary's home in my t-shirt and boxers, Mr. and Mrs. Everett were there and I ran to them.  
  
Mary's mother grabbed me and I held the small woman in my arms. 'Mary is dead, Severus.' She said through sobs and tears, 'our little Mary, she was so excited that the two of you were engaged, she couldn't help but gush over you. We were so happy too; we've always liked you, Severus. You were so good to our daughter and now she is dead.'  
  
Mr. Everett stood by himself in a corner; he was crumpling his minister papers in his hand as he stared at his daughter's lifeless body. I walked over to him, bumping into heavy pedestals with my shins because I was blinded by tears. I stood next to him and he looked at me. 'I don't want to be the Minister of Magic anymore, Severus. My only child is dead, I can't handle it.' He gave my arm a squeeze. 'I know you loved her, Severus. I'm sorry that she is dead.' He walked off and I sunk to my knees at the sight of her body. She was still in the dress she had been wearing last night; the ring was still on her finger. I screamed, I screamed bloody murder and I punched the floor. I ignored the pain that shot through my left harm since I had just broken my hand.  
  
I crawled to Mary and held her limp head in my hands. 'I love you.' I said as tears slipped down my face. 'I'm sorry, I wasn't your knight, I didn't save you.'  
  
We buried her on the 27th of December in the snow, and we buried my heart with her. The winter did this to me; I became cold and heartless in the winter. I poured all my might into saving the Potters; I was the spy that had been ratted out by someone, the man who had killed my Mary. It was Hyatt. Hyatt had killed her; Mr. Everett had found him cowering in their basement and strangled him to death. My spying duties died with my fiancé's murderer. And like I couldn't save Mary, my attempt to save the Potter's failed too. They had changed their Secret Keeper to Peter Pettigrew, though I had advised against it. I knew he was a Deatheater and I said they should have stuck with Black or changed to Remus Lupin. But Potter's hatred for me had stuck and they stayed with Peter. That October, they died and Voldemort was destroyed as well by Harry Potter.  
  
It has been sixteen years since Mary was murdered as I stand by her snow covered grave, a shiver travels down my spine. I became a Deatheater and I failed at that because I could not kill. But my love was killed because I could not kill and I turned my back on the monster that Lord Voldemort was. I stand there, staring at her name in the stone. Mary Jane Everett, born May 21, 1959, died December 26, 1980; and all I could do was shiver. 


End file.
